It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i just google imaged poop.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
