why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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