How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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