If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
