The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
