How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
