sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
