party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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