So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Randomize
