I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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