I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
