i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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