Pants 0. Shit 1.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
