Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
