Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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