Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I want to fling myself into the sun
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
