Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
