Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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