you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
