M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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