this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
