Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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