I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
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