you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
