thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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