Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
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When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
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Of course I have a pirate flag
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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