This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
