maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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