we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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