Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
