Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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