there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
