i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
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