i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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