Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
