Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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