he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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