Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
