We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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