He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
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