she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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