I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
