I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
