i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
