there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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