i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
