im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
