I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
