i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
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She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
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Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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