There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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