My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
