i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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