MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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