and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
