This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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