i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
