Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
