I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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