He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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