I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
